Coroner: I used to hate addicts, too (column)
When addiction hit Pam Gay's family, she evolved from contempt to acceptance that it's a disease.
I once was a hater, too.
It’s been sadly interesting, to say the least, to read the social media postings on the various news outlets’ Facebook pages in recent days in response to the coverage of the needle exchange program that is coming to York. Addict-haters, Naloxone-haters, people-with-no-willpower-haters and addiction-is-NOT-a-disease-believers came out of the woodwork.
I generally refrain from responding to social media postings that relate to my role as coroner, but this time, I chose to take a different approach. After reading a few of them, it was obvious to me that many of the commentators had not even read the story or watched the video at all, and so, the nurse-educator in me kicked into gear, and I chose to respond – calmly and accurately – without any name-calling taking place.
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I had numerous people ask me how I could be so calm in my responses. “I can do that,” I responded, “because, you see, I once was a hater, too.”
About 14 years ago, my husband, children and I were suddenly caught up in the toxic world of addiction – without ever seeing it coming. Our beautiful niece, who seemed to have it all together from the outside, was actually falling to pieces on the inside. Unknown and hidden to her average middle-class family at first, in her 30s, just after her children were born, she had turned to alcohol and drugs to fulfill her, leaving a destructive path that eventually consumed everything she had going for her – her marriage, her home, her job, her relationships and, eventually, her children. At first, we were all in denial. This was a behavior pattern we had seen in others, but not her. Never her.
There had to be something else wrong with her. Not addiction. But most of us soon realized this was happening to her – in a big way. And it was also happening to any of us who loved or cared about her.
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Because of my refusal to accept addiction as a disease, my outwardly loving, caring approach quickly turned to utter contempt – for what she was doing to herself, but especially for what she was doing to her children. I hid the contempt for some time, trying to build the trust, so I could eventually convince her to let my husband and me raise her children for a few months, until she got her “life straightened out.” After about a year of convincing arguments, an upcoming eviction and loss of a job, she gave in, and we worked out a private custody agreement, giving us full custody of her two children. Even with all the chaos, we all knew that a consistent, secure, loving home would be best, and she finally agreed.
Because of my refusal to accept addiction as a disease, my outwardly loving, caring approach quickly turned to utter contempt – for what she was doing to herself, but especially for what she was doing to her children.
But nothing prepared us for what the next five years would bring. My husband and I were in our early 40s suddenly raising our 4-year-old great-niece and 7-year-old great-nephew, trying to merge them into our existing family of an 11-year-old son and 17-year-old daughter. We were suddenly thrust into the world of domestic relations, family law, retainers, child support, custody agreements, supervised visitations, stipulations, child psychologists and court hearings. Our niece – their mother – ridden with guilt, we later learned, withdrew more and more each week until she stopped visiting her own children.
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Even as a person of faith, I am ashamed to admit that I despised her, and I hated her. I hated what she was doing to me and my family, and I hated what she was doing to her children. I hated addiction, though I still didn’t fully believe it was a disease. And the resentment continued to fester.
I became obsessed with proving her lies to others. I hit an all-time low one night as I was out driving with the three youngest children in my car, circling one of my niece’s “hang-outs” trying to find her car and prove to other family members that she was still using, even though she had said she wasn’t.
It was then that my own 13-year-old son said to me, “Mom, what are you doing?” I finally realized, just as the drink and drugs had a hold on my niece, they also had a hold on me. This truly is a disease, and I was sick, too. I had let it consume me, too. It was time to stop trying to control and affect some change. I went home, put the children to bed and had a long cry. I finally realized I could not force my niece to change. (No one can force an addict to change.) I turned the entire situation over to my Higher Power, as they say in AA – to God.
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Within a few weeks, our niece entered rehab. As most do, she struggled at first when she came home. But she got into a recovery house and then a sober house and eventually to my father-in-law’s – her grandfather’s house. We slowly increased her visitations, did random drug testing and required her to go to parenting classes. She got her old job back and, after 5 years in our custody, on July 4, 2008, Kim and her children were a family again, living together under one roof once more.
This past Saturday night, we joyfully celebrated Kim’s 10 years of sobriety at a local AA meeting. I asked her then if I could share our story (she shares it regularly at meetings). She graciously agreed.
Here in York County, we hear a lot about the sadness and despair brought on by alcohol and drug addiction. Kim and I want all the hopeless out there to know that there IS hope – our family is living proof.
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Hatred and resentment can be replaced with love and trust – over time. It doesn’t happen suddenly, but it does happen. As a matter of fact, I know of many similar stories of hope and restored relationships in York County.
So I try to respond calmly to the haters, as I was once one of them, too.
Sadly, however, I realize I can’t make everyone understand. My hope is that over time, the haters’ hearts will be softened, too.
I also ask that they educate themselves and learn about addiction – don’t base an opinion completely on what you have or have not experienced. Just because your choice isn’t heroin – or alcohol – doesn’t make you any better of a person than the addict. Most every single person makes unhealthy choices on a daily basis – in spite of the negative consequences that surround them. And they continue to make them – repeatedly.
Lastly, this drug addiction debate is not a Republican or Democrat issue. When there are free programs such as the needle exchange program, which in the greater good support life, create disease-free communities and taxpayer savings by not passing HIV/Hepatitis C treatment costs to the public – all while assisting addicts to get into treatment – this nurse, mother, sibling, aunt, spouse, mom and grandmother will always support what saves lives.
Pam Gay is coroner of York County and a member of the York County Heroin Task Force.